I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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