Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
