thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize