I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Ladies don't puke and tell
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
