you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Never underestimate the power of titties
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
