captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
