I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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