you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
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