Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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