In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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