I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
