Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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