at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
