you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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