Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
