Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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