Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I use my feet as sexual weapons
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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