i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
