I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Randomize
