you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
