she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Randomize
