it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
