she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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