my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
