His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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