where am i from again
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize