the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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