im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Randomize
