my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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