I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
