If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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