its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
