with your own penis?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Randomize