Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
