if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize