rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
