I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
