just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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