Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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