the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
