yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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