i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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