He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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