I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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