y did u give ur computer a hand job?
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
