The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You're a waste of cheezeits
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
