can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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