I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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