Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
