So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Randomize