It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize