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dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
