You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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