you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
