I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
