No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize