She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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