I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
