im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
