that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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