Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
