when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Randomize
