Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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