worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize