so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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