So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
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