i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
